Baby it’s cold outside…

A change has happened in the UK this week, causing much huddling over cups of tea and mass wearing of hair-crumpling hats: yes, over the course of the last two days temperatures have done what my breasts did years ago: plummeted.

This morning the thermometer hit a number that is meteorologically (try writing that when you’re high on caffeine) known as Oh-This-Is-Bollocks-My-Arse-Has-Gone-Blue, and now the nation is on high alert because more than ten whole flakes of snow are expected to fall in the vicinity of London some time in the next 24 hours, and there’s a miniscule chance that they might (whisper it) *settle*.

That’ll be the transport network fucked for several days, then.

Of course, all this coldness is just exactly what it should be doing at this time of year. It’s, erm, Winter. But the speed of change has come as a bit of a shock to the system: on Tuesday it was still warm enough to go running outside in buttock-skimming shorts, without requiring medical assistance to treat hypothermia.

Fast forward three days and it’s now so cold that one of my nipples just froze off and shattered on the kitchen floor, and when I go running later I’ll be sporting  my catastrophically unsexy Winter ‘look’ of running-legging-thingies, two thermal tops, gloves, a balaclava, a woolly hat and six hot water bottles strapped around my waist.
If I could bring a roaring fire along for the ride I would.

Of course, there are perfectly simple ways to survive, and even enjoy, this kind of weather, most of which I learned from the hardy East European side of my family who regularly live through three months of minus thirty degrees and metres of snow….and still manage to get to school and use a car without winning an award for Outstanding Bravery And Competence…

One technique is to drink so much strong alcohol from the moment you break the ice on the duvet to the point at which you collapse in a snowy hedge, that your body can’t register it’s cold and the redness of your nose radiates enough heat to warm a small village.  

Another is to kill lots of animals who were sensibly born with nice, furry coats, chop it all off and then cover every inch of your body in it.
Yes, yes, I know it’s not PC over here, but it sure as hell works: it’s impossible to feel the cold when you’ve got fox-fur knickers and you’re wearing a whole bear.  

Other alternatives include spending all day working up a sweat by chopping wood, and frequenting brothels – but neither of those fit very well with a day in the office. Personally I think foxy pants are the way forward.

Tomorrow I’m going to a wedding and intend to use as many of these techniques as possible to get through the day without losing a limb to frostbite: after half a bottle of schnapps for breakfast I shall make my way to the chapel wearing four minks, a chinchilla and an elk, split some logs while we wait for the bride to arrive and then run off to the vestry with any available men I can find. If that doesn’t work I’ll eat my fur hat.

Wrap up folks, keep warm and enjoy the snow. Winter is here 🙂

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4 thoughts on “Baby it’s cold outside…

  1. Karin @ Cafe Bebe

    Liz,

    I am originally from Wisconsin in the US. I have lived her for 5 years now and I fall down with laughter every winter over the fuss and calamity that a few snowflakes cause. Yes, it’s cold. Well, it’s winter. Do you know that last winter my home state of Wisconsin logged 99 inches of snow over the course of the winter. A winter that begins in October and ends in April. Good times.

    I would love to see a picture of you in said running garb including the hot-water bottles around your waist. If you bring it to the BMB Christmas party I’ll laminate it for you and that can be your name tag!

    Looking forward to meeting you in 12 sleeps.

    Have a snuggly weekend in your foxy pants!

    Karin

    Reply
    1. lizfraser Post author

      Karin, thanks for lovely reply. I’m off to burn all photographic equipment I can find. NO evidence shall be recorded of my hot-waterbottle sexiness – none at ALL!! ; -)
      See you v soon. I’m looking forward to it a stupid amount. Can you tell I work alone from home….??
      Liz.

      Reply
  2. Hot Cross Mum

    Great post Liz! Sorry to hear about the whole nipple shattering thing – yowzer! You’ve got to love the English winters though – if nothing else, they do provide the perfect excuse to wear those fox-fur knickers! Enjoy 😉

    Reply
    1. lizfraser Post author

      Thanks 🙂 Lovely to know you’re reading it and enjoying. The nipple is just a casualty of Winter. I still have the other one, so it’s fine 😉 Take care and keep popping by, Liz.

      Reply

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