Telephone manner, 8-yr-old style…

So….my plan WAS to blog every day during the summer ‘holiday’.

Just a photo, or a quick thought or a 20,000 word polemic on the state of the world today and how children don’t say PLEASE or THANK YOU any more, FFS.

You know, the usual kind of twaffle (Please can we use the word ‘twaffle’, more. It’s pleasing to the tongue and ear. Try it.)

As you Very Clever People may have noticed, there has been a very small glitch in my plan because we’re into week two of the summer ‘holiday’ and I’ve yet to blog even ONCE.
About anything.
Even Nutella.

This hopeless state of blogging affairs is largely because since finishing my book, and then re-writing my other book, and then organising my school reunion, and then doing my presenting stint for BBC Radio Cambridgeshire, and then collapsing in a heap of crumpled, worn-out human flesh…..I have become the World’s laziest Lazy Arse and I haven’t been bothered to spend even three and a half minutes writing something for you.


Also I seem to have been spending rather a lot of time in pubs and bars drinking all of the alcohol that I didn’t drink in the last five years, on account of the fact that I was Being Good.

I suppose from this we must deduce that I am now Being Bad, but so far the Being Bad is proving to be considerably more fun than the Being Good ever was….though I think my liver and waistline will soon have something to say about that.

ALSO keeping me away from my blogging duties is the fact that I’ve been very busy trying to think of things that my three children would like to do between 7am and Far To Fucking Late pm that doesn’t involve

a)      the computer
b)      the television
c)      the computer
d)     the Xbox
e)      killing each other
f)       spending all my money
g)      the computer
h)      bickering
i)        shopping
j)        moaning
k)      getting bored of whatever I suggest within 0.5 nanoseconds of starting it
l)        making my house look like Hamley’s after a large explosion
m)    the computer
n)      not using correct grammar. (Or do I mean using grammar correctly….? Shit.)

 This has so far proved impossible, despite my best efforts, and considerable amounts of bribery. And shouting.

 But mostly I think the lack of blogging is down to the Lazy Arse thing.

 So, to atone for my Blogging Sins, as of this very moment I shall attempt to blog every day, at least one teeny weeny little thing. It might just be a word. Or a photograph. But it will be a THING.

Today’s thing goes like this:

Conversation on the telephone between my 8-year-old son, Charlie, and his 7-year-old friend, Ollie that took place yesterday:

 Our phone rings.

 C: (answers phone.) Hello?
O: Hi.
C: Hi.
O: Hello.
C: Who’s that?
O: It’s Ollie
C: Hi Ollie.
O: Who’s that?
C: It’s Charlie.
O: Oh yeah.
C: What do you want?
O: I don’t know. You called me.
C: No I didn’t. You called me.
O: Oh yeah.
C: So?
O: So what?
C: So what did you call me for?
O: Oh. Do you want to come and play?
C: Ummmmm……Well….I guess I could do. What do you want to do?
O: Errrmmmmm. I don’t know. What do you want to do?
C: I don’t know.
O: We could play?
C: OK. Play what?
O: Ummm. I’m not sure.
C: Oh.
O: Ummmm….
C: Do you have a trampoline?
O: Yes.
C: We could bounce on there for a while.
O: Yeah, we could bounce.
C: OK. I’ll come and bounce for….about an hour or so?
O: OK.
C: When shall I come round?
O: Ummmm. About….now?
C: OK.
O: Just so you know, you’re, like, the 47th person I’ve called.
C: Oh. Cool.
O: Yeah, I’ve been calling and calling people ALL day to see if anyone’s free to play. And, like, literally, NOBODY was free.
C: Yeah, I do that sometimes.
O: You’re the last one.
C: Cool.
O: See you then.
C: See you. (Hangs up.)


5 thoughts on “Telephone manner, 8-yr-old style…

  1. Marisa Birns

    Yes, lazy arseness is a wonderful summer activity. Though many times, it seems to be a wonderful winter activity, too.

    That was a lovely conversation the boys had. Better that they have it at so young an age. You don’t want to overhear a 17-yr-old Charlie speaking to a girl and asking her if she liked to come over and bounce…

    Gah. Haven’t had coffee, yet so will remedy that and maybe I’ll be able to leave cogent, useful comments on blogs.

    1. lizfraser Post author

      Nah, cogent, useful comments are so overrated. Let’s stick with our usual mindless banter.
      Coffee’s good though. Very good. Speaking of which……*goes to put kettle on*

  2. martin

    I had a incident yesterday that makes me worry about the human race and it wasnt a child , a guy was using his card at cash machine and drawing out £20 at a time on fourth time it rejected it, when I asked him why he was doing it he said that he want £80 as there were £20 notes to his 4 children feel sorry for them

  3. George

    Thanks for tweeting this post again, missed it before. Two great parts, your laziness and Charlie’s phone conversation. Both made me laugh a lot!! Thank you. ps with your work load, you ain’t Lazy Liz 🙂

    1. lizfraser Post author

      Thanks! Yes, my scale of laziness is, to be fair, a little different from a lot of people’s. If I haven’t written a best-seller by lunchtime I go into bleakest despair at my unforgiveable sloth-like behaviour.
      And lo! ’tis 3.45 pm and STILL no blog written for today. Darn it…..;-)


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