I once went to the London Art Fair, where I learned five things:
1. Contemporary Art is, like, really expensive and shit. (That’s ‘ ‘n’ shit’ not, ‘and it is also shit’.)
2. Much contemporary art actually IS shit. And expensive.
3. It is best, when visiting art fairs, to leave your credit card at home. With your debit card.
4. It is also best not to drink alcohol, lest you accidentally buy a piece of green plywood with polystyrene bird droppings stuck to it, representing the suffering of Nature in Man’s hands. For example…I STILL say the upstairs toilet looks better for it. I say this every day. Usually when I am making my own bird dropping, and wishing I still had the £200.
Oh all right, £250.
Oh sod it, the £300! Happy now?? I was DRUNK, OK????? It felt DEEP and MEANINGFUL to me at the time.
And I SWEAR there were two of them…
5. Don’t go to art fairs. Everyone at art fairs is WAAAAAAY more stylish, attractive, loaded, successful, witty, and sexually fulfilled than you are. Everyone. Even the people who clearly aren’t.
You will thus feel rubbish within ten seconds of walking through the door, and compensate by buying expensive, shit stuff that you don’t even like, but you think makes you cooler.
It just makes you have less cash in your bank to spend on eye creams.
Having been to an art fair once, I seem to have got myself onto the World’s Longest Art Fair Mailing List, presumably in case I ever drink Sambucas in the middle of the day again, and then feel the need to buy more polystyrene bird droppings.
This year, however, my invitation to the London Art Fair didn’t arrive. I thought I might at last have been removed from the World’s Longest Art Fair Mailing List. I thought they might FINALLY have twigged that I am in fact not an international art collector.
But today I discovered that I was wrong. I am still on the list. It’s just that my daughter got to the letter first, drew on the envelope, and hid it in her drawer. Where I have just found it.
It’s sums it all up so brilliantly, I’m going to frame it and hang it in the upstairs toilet: