Arty Farty…

I once went to the London Art Fair, where I learned five things:

1. Contemporary Art is, like, really expensive and shit. (That’s ‘ ‘n’ shit’   not,  ‘and it is also shit’.)

2. Much contemporary art actually IS shit. And expensive.

3. It is best, when visiting art fairs, to leave your credit card at home. With your debit card.

4. It is also best not to drink alcohol, lest you accidentally buy a piece of green plywood with polystyrene bird droppings stuck to it, representing the suffering of Nature in Man’s hands. For example…I STILL say the upstairs toilet looks better for it. I say this every day. Usually when I am making my own bird dropping, and wishing I still had the £200.
Oh all right, £250.
Oh sod it, the £300! Happy now?? I was DRUNK, OK????? It felt DEEP and MEANINGFUL to me at the time.
And I SWEAR there were two of them…

5. Don’t go to art fairs. Everyone at art fairs is WAAAAAAY more stylish, attractive, loaded, successful, witty, and sexually fulfilled than you are. Everyone. Even the people who clearly aren’t.
You will thus feel rubbish within ten seconds of walking through the door, and compensate by buying expensive, shit stuff that you don’t even like, but you think makes you cooler.
It doesn’t.
It just makes you have less cash in your bank to spend on eye creams.

Having been to an art fair once, I seem to have got myself onto the World’s Longest Art Fair Mailing List, presumably in case I ever drink Sambucas in the middle of the day again, and then feel the need to buy more polystyrene bird droppings.

This year, however, my invitation to the London Art Fair didn’t arrive. I thought I might at last have been removed from the World’s Longest Art Fair Mailing List. I thought they might FINALLY have twigged that I am in fact not an international art collector.

But today I discovered that I was wrong. I am still on the list. It’s just that my daughter got to the letter first, drew on the envelope, and hid it in her drawer. Where I have just found it.

It’s sums it all up so brilliantly, I’m going to frame it and hang it in the upstairs toilet:



7 thoughts on “Arty Farty…

  1. amber housey

    You are so right. I was in San Francisco with a friend and bought a painting of a naked man (who should not have been naked) at an artsy fartsy party and I bought it because, well, I could see the meaning behind his poochy belly and it represented….me drinking one too many glasses of vino and now I own a painting I don’t like but won’t throw away because I would be throwing away a piece of someone’s who knows what. Hmmph!

    1. lizfraser Post author

      I love that! Most people who are painted naked should never be painted naked. See ALL Freud’s paintings….;-) Maybe if you keep drinking you’ll keep liking it…?? Thanks for dropping by X

  2. George

    Thanks for that Liz, you have done it again, made me snort my coffee! Your writing is so funny and unpretentious, you make us feel in on the joke. You have a smashing way with words.


    Today, while I was at work, my sister stole my iPad and tested to see if it can survive a forty foot drop, just
    so she can be a youtube sensation. My iPad is now destroyed and she has 83 views.

    I know this is totally off topic but I had to share it
    with someone!


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