One of the main reasons I chose to do the job I do, apart from the obvious ones that it isn’t really a job at all, I can work in my pyjamas and I can look at rude pictures any time I want to, just, you know, IF I wanted to, say….. is that I don’t have to go to board meetings.
I’ve been to two board meetings in my life, and both of them went like this:
- Wait an hour for everyone to turn up.
- Decide not everyone IS going to turn up, so start anyway.
- Spend ten minutes writing down who is missing, changing it every three minutes as more people stop being missing, and turn up.
- Spend a further ten minutes discussing whether to have still or sparkling water, based on potential bloating issues and something someone read that morning in the Daily Mail about deadly flesh-eating bugs and bubbles.
- Realise that not everyone has brought a pen that works. Or anything to write on.
- Spend twenty minutes finding paper and pens.
- Talk about what we talked about in the last meeting.
- Talk about what we’re going to talk about in this meeting.
- Break for coffee.
- Spend five minutes remembering where we were before we stopped for coffee.
- Start talking about item 1.
- Realise we can’t discuss Item 1 because the person who knows anything about item 1 is on the ‘missing’ list.
- Move on to item 2.
- Realise item 2 doesn’t make much sense without having discussed item 1.
- Break for lunch.
- Try not to look drunk.
- Doodle a bit on the (still) blank paper.
- Send a rude text or two, from under the desk.
- Realise we are almost out of time.
- Make some very hasty, bad decisions.
- Summarise what we just talked about, underlining why the hasty, bad decisions are actually ‘sexy and innovative.’
- Write down all the things we didn’t have time to talk about because we were too busy talking about what we were going to talk about, and then not talking about them.
- Agree when we can next have a meeting to talk about all the things we didn’t talk about, and the next things we need to talk about.
The sum total of the progress made in these meetings was zero.
Zero, as it turns out, is exactly the amount of progress made in 99.8% of board meetings, according to a survey done by some people who sat in a board meeting to discuss the survey.
The other 0.2% of board meetings didn’t turn up.
It is thus no wonder that, despite the BILLIONS of pounds spent on advertising, marketing, pens and sparkling water every year, the following can still make it onto a billboard, shop front or supermarket shelf near you:
(The word ‘bites’ in French, translates as ‘cocks’, just in case you hadn’t spent any time in a French playground recently.)
Another favourite, is this one fromOsaka, inJapan. It has apparently since been removed, presumably after another board meeting:
And finally, I spotted the product below in Boots today.
Gentlemen, if you want a silky smooth scrotum, you know where to go….